You Don’t Come Out of the Darkness the Same: What I’ve Learned at 44

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” ~ Abraham Maslow

 

It's my birthday today!!! 🎉

I'm 44 now, which seems totally ridiculous because I'm pretty sure I was 34 approximately five minutes ago. 😂

Birthdays have a way of making us reflect, though, and I've been doing a lot of that lately.

When I look back at the woman I was 10 years ago, I barely recognize her.

Even five years ago, I was a different person than I am today.

And I've realized something:

You don't come out of the darkness the same person who went into it.

Trauma changes us.

Loss changes us.

Heartbreak changes us.

Sometimes life changes us in ways we never asked for and certainly weren't prepared for.

But somewhere along my own journey, I realized that while I couldn't control everything that happened to me, I could begin participating in who I became because of it.

And that changed everything.

Healing Is a Hero's Journey

I've started thinking about healing as a Hero's Journey.

In the classic Hero's Journey, the hero doesn't necessarily ask for the adventure.

Something happens that disrupts the life they knew.

They're called into unfamiliar territory.

There are obstacles.

There are moments when they want to turn around.

They face things they'd rather avoid.

They fall down.

They get back up.

They find teachers and allies along the way.

And ultimately, they emerge transformed.

Isn't that what healing is?

Most of us didn't choose the event that sent us into the darkness.

We didn't choose the loss.

The trauma.

The betrayal.

The relationship that broke us.

The moment that divided our lives into before and after.

But eventually, we are faced with a choice about what happens next.

We don't get to choose everything that changes us.

But eventually, we get to participate in who we become because of it.

That's where courage comes in.

Because rising requires something from us.

It requires commitment.

It requires sacrifice.

And sometimes it requires turning around and facing the very things we've spent years trying to outrun.

I'm not going to lie.

It's hard.

But do you know what's harder?

Staying stuck in the darkness.

Allowing it to swallow you.

Allowing what happened to you to decide what the rest of your life will look like.

Change is inevitable.

Our trauma and losses change us whether we're consciously participating in that change or not.

So somewhere along the way, I began asking myself:

Do I want to change consciously and become better, or change unconsciously and become bitter?

Not because bitterness means we've failed.

There were seasons when anger, resentment, grief, and hopelessness were simply where I was.

Healing doesn't mean pretending those emotions don't exist.

But I eventually realized I didn't want to build my home there.

I wanted to find my way back to the light.

I Thought Healing Would Be About the Big Breakthroughs

When we think about changing our lives, we tend to imagine dramatic moments.

The breakthrough.

The epiphany.

The day everything finally clicks.

I've certainly had those moments.

But looking back over the last decade, I've realized something surprising.

Most of my transformation didn't happen in the big moments.

It happened in the tiny ones.

It happened through my habits.

The thoughts I repeatedly entertained.

What I did when I woke up in the morning.

What I put into my body.

Whether I moved my body.

What I did when my mind started spiraling.

How I talked to myself when I made a mistake.

The information I consumed.

The people I surrounded myself with.

The beliefs I held about myself, the world, and even God.

All those seemingly insignificant choices were quietly shaping my life.

Your Habits Are Creating Your Life

One of the books that helped me understand this was Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit.

So much of what we do every day happens automatically.

Think about your morning routine.

The route you take to work.

Reaching for your phone without even realizing you've done it.

The thoughts that immediately appear when you look in the mirror.

The way you react when you're stressed.

The things you do when you're sad.

We repeat behaviors and thought patterns often enough that eventually we don't have to consciously decide to do them anymore.

That's incredibly useful.

But there's a catch.

Our habits can help us heal, or help keep us stuck.

And when I finally began taking inventory of my own unconscious habits, it became pretty apparent...

I had some work to do. 😂

I Started Upgrading My Habits

I didn't wake up one morning and completely reinvent my life.

I started changing things little by little.

I began changing the way I talked to myself and the stories I believed about who I was.

Mindset.

I learned how to slow down, observe my thoughts, breathe, meditate, and come back to the present moment.

Mindfulness and meditation.

I began understanding how important it was to move my body and take care of it rather than treating it like something completely separate from my emotional well-being.

Movement.

I became more conscious about the way I nourished my body.

Healthy eating.

I started examining the beliefs and patterns operating beneath my conscious awareness—the ones quietly influencing my relationships, decisions, self-worth, and expectations.

Subconscious reprogramming.

And perhaps most profoundly, I questioned and rebuilt many of the spiritual beliefs I'd carried with me for years.

Spirituality.

I didn't know it at the time, but these areas would eventually become the pillars of the work I do today.

Because they were the pillars of my own healing.

There Is No Finish Line

Here's something else I've learned at 44:

I'm still doing the work.

I don't think there is some magical destination called "healed" where you arrive one day and announce:

"Great! Glad that's over. I'm officially done growing." 😂

I'm still noticing habits I want to change.

I'm still discovering beliefs I didn't realize I carried.

I'm still learning.

Still questioning.

Still healing.

Still evolving.

And I think that's the point.

Personal development isn't about finally becoming perfect.

It's about becoming conscious.

It's noticing:

"This isn't serving me anymore."

And having the courage to choose something different.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Maybe That's What Makes Us Wellness Warriors

This realization is ultimately what inspired me to create The Wellness Vault + The Wellness Warriors Community.

The Wellness Vault isn't a collection of random wellness resources I thought sounded good.

It's becoming a collection of the tools, practices, knowledge, and resources that reflect the same areas I've worked on throughout my own journey:

Mindset & Personal Development.
Mindfulness & Meditation.
Movement.
Healthy Eating.
Subconscious Reprogramming.
Spirituality.

And woven throughout all of it is something even bigger:

learning how to change our habits so we can consciously change our lives.

Because knowing what to do isn't always the hardest part.

Actually doing it consistently is.

And trying to change alone can be incredibly difficult.

That's why the other half of this vision is the Wellness Warriors Community.

Because every hero needs allies.

People who understand the journey.

People who remind you why you started.

People who cheer when you take three steps forward and don't judge you when you take two steps back.

People who are also choosing to become conscious participants in their own lives.

That's what being a Wellness Warrior means to me.

Not having everything figured out.

Not being perfectly healed.

Choosing to keep showing up.

What I Would Tell the Woman I Was 10 Years Ago

At 44, I don't look back at the woman I was 10 years ago and wish she had done everything differently.

I wish I could hug her.

I wish I could tell her:

The darkness won't last forever.

I wish I could tell her that one day, the things she was struggling so desperately to understand would become things she could use to help someone else.

I'd tell her that she wasn't supposed to have the whole journey figured out.

She just needed to take the next step.

And then another.

And another.

Until one day she'd look around and realize...

She's not where she used to be anymore.

We Don't Return From the Darkness Empty-Handed

Maybe that's one of the most beautiful parts of the Hero's Journey.

The hero eventually returns.

But they don't return empty-handed.

They bring something back with them.

Wisdom.

Compassion.

Strength.

Perspective.

Tools.

And maybe even a little light.

Then, if we're willing, we turn around and hold out our hand to someone who's still trying to find their way through.

That's what Magical Mindset has become for me.

That's what I'm building with The Wellness Vault.

It's what I'm writing about in Rising From the Dark.

It's what I'm bringing back from my own journey.

And now, at 44, I think I'm finally beginning to understand something I couldn't have understood when I was standing in the middle of the darkness:

Maybe the goal was never to become the person I was before everything happened.

Maybe the journey was about discovering who I could become because I chose to rise.

Here's to 44. ❤️

And here's to all of us who are still becoming.

All my love,

Progress, not perfection